totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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