She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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