I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
