Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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