I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
