i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
