I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
