If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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