Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
