I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
