For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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