I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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