Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
