By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
