Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize