Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
