Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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