Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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