I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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