My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
