Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
