you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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