I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
