that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
