the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
