Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
