You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
