I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
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