Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
