I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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