Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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