I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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