I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
