I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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