I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
