I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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