I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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