cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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