On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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