I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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