i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize