Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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