Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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