I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
