then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
