First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize