Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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