the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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