I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
