Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
