to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
