I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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