I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
