I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
they need to just BURY HIM!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize