he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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