Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
